just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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