I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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