I smell stomach acid.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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