I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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