His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
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What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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