I just pynch a tree in the face
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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