If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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