my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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