I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They took my balls.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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