I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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