if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If that was your dad, he is hot
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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