Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
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Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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