God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
