If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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