how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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