don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
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My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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