Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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