maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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