Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize