are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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