you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize