Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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