He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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