you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
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Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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