plz talk dirty to me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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