i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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