sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
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No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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