there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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