An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
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So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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