i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
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I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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