i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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