I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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