Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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