when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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