the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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