lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
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Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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