hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
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While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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