You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
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Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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