Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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