So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
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I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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