hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
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I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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