just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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