where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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