She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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