I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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