i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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