I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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