Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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