they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
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I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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