She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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