Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Illinois (773)

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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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  (773): I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in. http://tfl.nu/6fvt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.

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  (773): you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening. http://tfl.nu/4psa
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

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  We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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  (773): What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat. (1-773): Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious. (773): We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru? http://tfl.nu/d3s4
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  Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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  (773): Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that??? (773): Found 2 Coors, problem solved. http://tfl.nu/6q5w
  Replies (11) Good night (1583) Bad night (366)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.

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  (773): He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof. http://tfl.nu/nzip
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

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  (312): I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today. (773): I'm not sure which feat is more impressive... http://tfl.nu/ga4t
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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  (773): Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important. http://tfl.nu/scnm
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

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  (773): she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xysb
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  Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?

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  (773): Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea? http://tfl.nu/7pdo
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  (646): View more from New York

  Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Only the gays

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  (646): Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel (773): Only the gays http://tfl.nu/jfsv
  Replies (7) Good night (774) Bad night (1161)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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  (773): I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal. (708): Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks. http://tfl.nu/2r2v
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?

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  (773): by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go? http://tfl.nu/xzhw
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh 

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  (773): Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh  http://tfl.nu/ikbu
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am

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  (773): despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am http://tfl.nu/0kp9
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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  (773): You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING (1-773): Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time http://tfl.nu/yjp9
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